Acting 101 - Uta Hagen's Exercises

Destination
2-3 minutes exercise should be 1-2 hour rehearsal

Telephone conversation
Test how your attention goes out to the 4th side. 4th side - what the actors are looking at. Markers piked out, it's freeing to look at something. The audience can disappear.

Changes of self
People are capable of behaving in very different ways. When am I arrogant, stupid, funny, angry, smitten, irritable? You don't pretend to be someone else, you find the character persona within you.

Immediacy - Looking for lost item
1. The hunting, the expectation of possibly finding it somewhere.
2. Dealing with the problems of anticipation while searching for something lost or mislaid.

Imagine inner item w/a subconscious activity
ie. you button your jacket while thinking about groceries and in your mind your thinking about/visualizing the grocery store - the shelves.

Conditioning Forces - Endowment
Recreating physical sensations. An endowed reality (ie. Hot iron w/steam, dangerous, distracint. Use fake steam, A dull knife, hot water/pot)
1. Endow a physical sensation. Body is wet or clothes are all wet.
2. Sensation of having to pee
3. Drunkenness - Key is to isolate a part of the body that is out of control and you struggle against that w/your arms or your head. You don't stumble out of control your body parts struggle to stay in control because things give out. Your knees give yout, your head flops over. You struggle to over come it. When sitting, it's the head, elbow and hands that struggle. The eyes try and focus on an object, the head and hands struggle to go there w/too much weight. It's an attempt at normalcy.
4. Conditions - wet, looking, crawling, night-time or very low light, hard to walk, walk in sand, injury.

Waiting
The ultimate test. Fidgets, looking around, meandering, inner objects, lack of activity to fiddle w/objects.

Three Entrances
Preparation and its influence on the entrance.

The 4th Wall
The guarantee of privacy while using, not ignoring, the visual area of the audience.

Talking to yourself
• When we talk to ourselves we usually are unaware of it and we are also usually preoccupied w/an activity
• For every monologue ask yourself, what wouldI do here if I wasn't talking? What behavior?
• Try acting a scene out without the dialog.
• Don't stick to a mask. What's going on underneath? People never say what they mean. Don't play the part (mask) too well. Show what's underneath the surface.
• We talk to ourselves to regain control.
• Don't demand immediate horror, let discovery happen
• We laugh when we recognize ourselves
• When the actor tries to be funny or thinks they're funny, then they stop being funny
• Don't discuss a scene too much

Talking to an audience - Inner Monologue
• Eyes locked to targets above audience
• Find your place, grounding
• Interaction between 2 people who are smitten, they steal glances.
• Actor who is so pent up that it's hard for them to be grounded is a born actor and needs to be on stage all the time.

Simple task in historical costume and setting
1. The costume can pull out a character. A hat, shirt
2. Actions will be because of reasons. (ie. Victorians wore corsets and thus sat up straight)
3. Fashion and social morals are the only things that have changed in humans
4. Does the actor love the character
5. Staggar conditions exercise
Notes:
1. Do you really understand the scene?
2. When you send the action how does one receive? Don't overpractice the receiving.
3. See what you see and react to it. Hear what you hear and react to it.

Outdoors
1. Your relationship to space and nature
2. Finding forward-moving occupation without the help of furniture and props.

What Happened With Luis?

Were you about to start emailing me to find out if I asked Luis out? I actually did. Did you expect that? I hope so and you should be proud of me ;o) I told him I was going out with Vienna and TJ and would love to go with somebody to avoid being the third wheel. He was nodding understandingly, and then I asked if he wanted to join us. "I'd love to. I don't have anything planned for Sat night." Wow, I can't believe he actually said that. He had no plans? Most guys (and girls like me) would never admit they have no Sat night date. Apparently what Vienna said was true, good-looking guys simply don't need the games the rest of us play to appear more desirable. I checked his FB profile. He hadn't filled in his Relationship Status. Is he embarrassed to say he is single or is there somebody he doesn't want the world to know about? Jill thinks I'm being paranoid, but just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

Vienna looked shocked to see Luis instead of Mike and so did JT. The whole double date was a blur except for a couple of moments that stood out. Luis put his hand on my back and said that the girls in our Theater class were not very pretty or interesting except for me. The second moment was when a girl with triple D's passed by and JT almost stuck his tongue out and started drooling like a dog. Vienna seemed embarrassed and so were we. I was proud of Luis for sparing me the humiliation. He is so awesome!

Losing Weight and Gaining Courage

No news on Luis, don't pressure me please! Today is my last chance to see him and ask him out. I bet he'd think I'm retarded for asking him for notes when I'm in class every time. A goal is a goal, though. I should teach my mind to take goals seriously. So, I'm definitely going for it today. Maybe I should have some liquor before going to class to loosen up.

Apart from that, my Mom sent me several kinds of green tea. My favorite one are Yogi Green Tea Kambucha and Yogi Green Tea Goji Berry. They are so wonderfully aromatic. Here's some information I found on why drinking green tea is great for your body.

1. Green tea is a superb fat fighter. Its active ingredient, EGCG, increases the rate at which fat is burned in your body.
2. It targets belly fat. Research at Tufts University indicates that EGCG in green tea, like other catechins, activate fat-burning genes in the abdomen to speed weight loss by 77 percent.
3. Green tea keeps energy stable by balancing blood sugar levels. EGCG improves insulin use in the body to prevent blood sugar spikes and crashes that can result in fatigue, irritability, and cravings for unhealthy foods.
4. Research shows it may be helpful against lung cancer. In an April 2010 study published in Cancer Prevention Research, EGCG was found to suppress lung cancer cell growth.
5. Green tea may halt colorectal cancer. In numerous other studies, EGCG appears to inhibit colorectal cancers.
6. In research, it appears to cause prostate cancer cells to commit suicide. A March 2010 study in Cancer Science indicated that EGCG aids the body by causing prostate cancer cells to commit suicide.
7. Green tea may prevent skin damage and wrinkling. EGCG appears to be 200 times more powerful than vitamin E at destroying skin-damaging free radicals. Free radicals react with healthy cells in the body, causing damage, so lessening their numbers may help reduce wrinkling and other signs of aging.
8. It contains a potent antioxidant that kills free radicals. Because it is a potent antioxidant green tea can positively impact a lot more than skin cells. Free radicals are increasingly linked to many serious chronic illnesses like arthritis, diabetes, and cancer.
9. Green tea tastes good. If you’re not wild about the flavor, try a few different kinds. Try it iced or hot. Add some of the natural herb stevia to sweeten it if you want a sweeter drink. I wasn’t crazy about green tea the first few times I tried it, but now I love it with a fresh squeeze of lemon and a few drops of stevia over ice — et voila! Green tea lemonade. Mmmmm.
Reap the rewards
Add one or two teaspoons of green tea leaves to a cup of boiling water, preferably in a tea strainer. Let steep for five minutes. Pour over ice if you prefer a cold beverage. Most experts recommend three cups daily. And, don’t worry, green tea contains a lot less caffeine than coffee or black tea.

Asking Him Out

I almost did it. I almost asked Luis out. I went to him, started to talking, and then I simply couldn't bring it up. FB may help but then he may show my message to everybody and make fun of me. I doubt he'd do something like that but the thought of public humiliation freaks me out. I'd love to just forget it all but a goal is a goal and is there for me to learn something. I think that if Luis didn't matter much to me, it would be much easier for me to approach him but now the stakes are too high.

I asked Alex what to do but didn't get anything useful, "He must be a player," "Let him do all the work to make sure he is serious." Come on, Alex! I'm trying to get a date, not marry the guy. Who says I want him forever, OMG!

Jill had an idea and I'm going with it. Ask him for his notes from the class and go pick them up at his dorm. Brilliant! If my brain didn't turn into mush under the mere thought of Luis, I could've come up with it by myself, right?

My Love Plan

I will ask Luis on a date. He is really nice to me in class, so maybe he likes me too. I talked to Vienna about it. She says good-looking guys don't know how approach girls because they never had to learn. Girl always approached to them first. She also says that hot guys are less likely to be players because getting laid is no challenge for them. All they have to do is show up and panties drop. I bet in Luis's world women chase men and try to have sex with them. Well, rejection sucks but waiting and hoping sucks more. If the mountain doesn't go to Mohamed, Mohamed will go to the mountain. Tony Robbins says that a goal is a dream with a deadline, so I'll ask Luis out by the end of this week. Cross your fingers, friends!

Jill found out what the name of the guy from my dorm is, Jason. I'd love to invite him over for French macaroons but don't want to lead him on before I'm clear about Luis. Guys have feelings just like we do. We are not as sheltered in regards to love affairs like many previous generation used to, but nobody likes to feel like they are your backup plan. Which reminds me, Mike and I are going out on a double date with TJ and Vienna. ;o)

Green Tea and Theanine for Weight Loss

I love the way green tea makes me feel, calm, energized, and centered. It must be the combination of caffeine and theanine that is so wonderfully effective. In the US, we put caffeine in sodas while in Japan, they put theanine. Americans decided against theanine since it makes you calmer. I don't know why being constantly stressed out and anxious, high on caffeine, would be somehow better for the individual or for the society. You'd think the law was created by the makers of Prozac and Zoloft. I love the taste of coffee, but the result of the caffeine high is not nearly as cool as the effect of green tea.

Theanine Health Benefits #1:
Promotes Alpha Brain Waves

Do you know that your brain has 4 wave patterns, each of them associated with a different state of mind? Going from lowest to highest frequency:
In Delta brain waves, you are sleeping deeply.
In Theta brain waves, you are dozing away.
In Alpha brain waves, you are relaxed, and yet alert.
A paper published in the June 1999 issue of Trends in Food Science & Technology found that theanine reduces anxiety in young women aged 18 to 22. They were given either water, 50 milligrams or 200 milligrams of L-theanine once a week. Afterward, their brain waves were measured. Those who received the highest dose (200 mg) produced more alpha waves.

Theanine Health Benefits #2:
Increases Dopamine
Further evidence of theanine’s relaxing properties come from 4 animal studies that found that theanine reliably increases dopamine levels in the brain.
What’s dopamine?
Dopamine is a hormone that is associated with a feeling of well-being. It is a neurotransmitter that is released during pleasurable activities such as eating and sex.
Some studies also suggest that theanine may increase your brain’s production of serotonin and GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid). However, these results are still highly preliminary.

Theanine Health Benefits #3
Enhances Learning and Concentration
Theanine enhances the ability to learn, and to remember. It increases concentration, a reason why monks and scholars incorporate tea drinking into meditation and study.
It appears to work quickly and seems to be most effective when you are stressed and your mind is preoccupied by many thoughts. It helps to relax your mind, allowing you to focus on the task at hand.
Because it helps the mind stop racing, it also seems to help promote a more restful, sound sleep. This is because sleep is not interrupted by random thoughts.
A 2007 study conducted by Doctor Foxe found that it synergizes with caffeine to boost the activity of brain neurons. “As little as 100 milligrams enabled people to focus better on complicated tasks, but only when consumed with 60 milligrams of caffeine — a combination found in roughly 4 cups of green tea,” said Foxe more recently. “There was a profound synergistic effect,” he says. “My take is, we’re all self-medicating with this.”

Theanine Health Benefits #3:
Normalizes Blood Pressure
Theanine may bring high blood pressure back to normal, but has no effect on normal blood pressure. In a 1995 Japanese study, rats with naturally occurring high blood pressure were fed theanine. Their blood pressure was reduced significantly. However, the same effects were not observed in rats with normal blood pressure, even though they were given doses as high as 2000 milligrams per kilogram.

Theanine Health Benefits #4:
Reduces Cholesterol
According to a 2002 paper published by Zhang et al., theanine reduced cholesterol counts in both humans and gerbils, showing that it may improve your heart health.
Another 1997 Japanese study also found that theanine prevents cholesterol from turning bad through oxidation (in a process called LDL peroxidation). However, this effect was not as strong as that of green tea polyphenols.

Theanine Health Benefits #5:
Anti-Cancer
A 2002 study published by Sadzuka et al. suggested that theanine may help improve the quality of life of cancer patients by improving the efficacy of cancer drugs, and through its relaxing effects on the mind. Studies have found that theanine has the following benefits for cancer patients:
Increases the concentration of anti-cancer drugs in tumors.
Reduces the concentration of anti-cancer drugs in other tissues, where they are not needed.
Inhibits the growth of cancer tumors themselves.

Theanine Health Benefits #6:
Increases Immunity
A 2003 study conducted by Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School found that it acts as an antigen, increasing the body’s immunity against colds and flu. They concluded that drinking tea can promote a strong immune response.

Theanine Health Benefits #7:
Lose Weight
Green tea helps lose weight, and according to a preliminary 2004 Japanese study, theanine contributes to this effect. In this animal study, rats fed a theanine diet for 16 weeks had significantly lower body weight, body fats and triglycerides (blood plasma fat).

The Kiss Was With...

... Jordan ;o) Did you guess correctly? Come on! You only had to wait two days to find out. The memory of the kiss feels naughty and socially acceptable at the same time, which makes it hot without ruining my inner peace. I'm such a good girl... or maybe not so much. That's it for today, friends. Check back on Friday for your soap opera update ;o)

I Kissed a Girl

I bet you can't! Fine, I'll give you a clue. It's a girl, and I've talked about her on my blog.

The kiss felt very natural, like with guys. One difference... there was no sensation of beard on my skin. Her skin felt really soft and plump. She was wearing a strange yet appealing perfume, Angel. Now I can forever associate it with kissing a girl. Jill says two girls kissing is no big deal anymore. Now two guys kissing is what brings the scandalous into movies and music videos. It is a big deal to me, though, especially since it happened before I've even lost my virginity. I'd do it again but first I'll tell you who the girl was... in my next post.

My Theater Class and Uta Hagen's Notes

I found an excuse to get in touch with Luis outside of our theater class. Uta Hagen's notes and videos. In case you don't know, she was a really famous acting coach. Acting is useful. The best class I've had so far. It teaches you so much about human nature by making observe people and explain what you see in them. It liberates you by making it OK to look stupid in front of others and to get in touch with parts of your personality that you really want to believe don't even exist.

Imagine you like to think of yourself as an ambitious person, noble, open-minded, generous, a winner. Your character is a mean-spirited cheap loser and overall the last person you'd ever want to be. To be a realistic actor, you need to create a bridge between yourself and your character. You need to find the mean-spirited cheap loser in you and channel him/her out when deep down all you want to do is show people you are 180 degrees different from your character. It takes a lot of inner strength to face your hangups and get over them in order to be a great actor with a wide range of characters in your professional arsenal.

I had to fall on my knees and pray for my child's life in front of everybody. That was embarrassing and I felt very vulnerable and uncomfortable showing so much emotion in front of the whole class and the professor. It was not just a light little prayer. It was the sobbing, begging, tragic kind. I was worried they would laugh at me and think this was what I did in my everyday life if I was too realistic on stage. All I wanted to do was tell everybody I was just pretending. The professor stopped me in the very beginning for being too unrealistic. I had to do it again and after all, it was just acting. It was part of the class. It's what would get me an A. My legs were shaking. I pretended there was a wall between me and the class, that it was OK to be laughed at, that it was acceptable to be that vulnerable. I imagined I was praying to God to save my brother's life. That was enough to fill me up with emotion and make me get over my inhibitions. I also reminded myself not to turn my back at the audience and to make bigger gestures, not hold it to myself like I may normally do.

Uta Hagen's Notes: The Acting Craft
1. Suspension of Disbelief
2. Teach student 2-3 small things at a time so you don’t overwhelm them.
3. When you don’t realize someone’s acting then they’re doing it right
4. Begin w/self evaluation. Your 3rd eye is watching.
5. Use a psychological substitute as a tool.
6. Emotion takes us, we don’t take it.
7. Allow nothingness to breathe, to exist
8. Observer your environment. People don’t just stand around and do nothing, they look, scratch,
look at their watch to check the time.
9. Don’t avoid comedic snips in times of drama, these things happen.

Uta Hagen's Notes: Doing
1. People always have a destination, when moving & if someone looks uncomfortable, they don’t have a sense of where they’re going. If you don’t know where your going or what you’re doing, you get very tense. If you DO know where you’re going, you become relaxed and free. People are always DOING something (ie. adjusting their belt.) Where is the body? Where is your reality? Is it staged? 3 Steps: What was I just doing? What am I doig now? What do I want? …and go for it. Start w/rehearsal of doings, of actions People don’t pace, walking back and forth is unnatural.
2. We have very little experience watching ourselves.
3. We are FULL human beings, there are parts of us we don't like. No cliches, portray the full human being.
4. If 2 characters in the scene want the same thing then it will be flat. What is the main conflict in the scene? what is the subtext?

Uta Hagen's Notes: Behavior
1. Let things go in a direction so people can see for themselves how wrong they are.
2. Bored on stage staring at his hands, not paying attention stands out like a sore thumb.
3. You MUST immerse yourself into the character, fully. You must become the character so while you are playing the role there is no division between you and the character. There is only the character.
4. Start w/your body, not thought. Where there is action, there is behavior.
5. Practice specific behavior, character behavior and natural behavior
6. Be part of your surroundings, look around, notice people, watch, cell phone, you hear noises.
7. React to what you see and hear. What is in the script cannot be seen or heard. These are up to the actor to react to naturally.

Uta Hagen's Notes:
1. When an activity (ie. folding pants) becomes more important than the emotion/subject matter, you've lost the scene.
2. Substitution defines behavior. In substitution, you hold the relationship you have w/the person, then transfer that inner feeling/emotion onto someone else. You don't directly see that person as the person you've imagined.
3. Physical confrontation should be rehearsed so it doesn't look rehearsed. When people look to out of control the viewer becomes aware of "acting"
4. Timing - Don't deliver on tempo, receive before you send back.

Valentine's Day Update

I made out with Mike. On the positive side, it helped with my bruised self-esteem. At the same time, I realized I couldn't care less about having sex with him. I feel like I should come clean and let him know how I feel. It honestly scares me to lose him, because that would mean that nobody is into me, nobody wants me, nobody finds me attractive. At the party yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking if it's possible to sustain a relationship without sex.

I saw Alex with some very pretty girl. They were both so beautiful. I thought that if those two genetically blessed people ever had kids, they'd be gorgeous. Jill seemed awfully calm without Alex on Valentine's Day, so I had to ask what their deal was. Apparently, Alex's beauty was his twin sister, Chloe. She had just transferred from another college, so Alex wanted to take the time and introduce her to people. Haha, no genetically blessed babies there. Alex is pretty hot. If it weren't for Jill's crush on him, I'd totally go out with him.

My parents sent me flowers on the 14th and my own order got here on the 15th. I acted like they were both from guys. Jill looked really surprised and one of the guys from the dorm mentioned that I was so popular, he had no chance with me. I quickly corrected him and said I wasn't in love with neither of the guys who'd sent me flowers. He didn't follow up, though. Maybe I should find him on FB to establish contact. Jill said she'd find out his name. I don't know how long that's going to take. I'm thinking about searching through my friends' friends to see if his picture pops up.

I Hate Valentine's Day

Nobody asked me out but Mike. I've been checking my email every 5 min for any date related emails but no. Luis's profile says nothing about his plans. Jill and Alex are going to a huge party on campus and I'm seriously considering joining them with my safety net, Mike. I hate to think of him that way. I feel like he is my last resort and salvation from the "nobody wants me" thoughts. Without him I'd feel so unattractive today. I hate this holiday. Who needs it anyway? I'm taking Vienna and Jordan with us. I'll act like being single is cool and I really don't care about dating anyone. Who is JT with anyway? He probably still hates me for standing him up.

I'm going to do something crazy. I'm going to send myself flowers... maybe red roses since they symbolize love and passion. Wow, they say flowers are overpriced today and it sure looks like it. If I order them for tomorrow morning, though, they are half the current price. Oh, well, so be it! Just hope everybody sees them delivered to the dorm and nobody figures out who ordered them.

Uta Hagen's 7 Steps to Creating Your Character

The 6 Steps to creating a character:

1. Who am I? Who is the CHARACTER?
◦ What is my present state of being?
◦ How do I perceive myself?
◦ What am I wearing?

2. What are the Circumstances? Where am I?
◦ What time is it? (The year, the season, the day? At what time does my selected life
begin?)
◦ Where am I? (What city, neighborhood, building, and room? Or what landscape?)
◦ What surrounds me? (The immediate landscape? The weather? The condition of the
place and the nature of the objects in it?)
◦ Where am I coming from? What just happened?
◦ What are the immediate circumstances? (What has just happened, is happening? What
do I expect or plan to happen next and later on?)

3. What are my RELATIONSHIPS?
◦ How do I stand in relationship to the circumstaances, the place, the objects, and the
other people related to my circumstances?
◦ Who am I with and how do I feel about him/her?

4. What do I want? What's my OBJECTIVE?
◦ What is my main objective? My immediate need or objective?j
◦ What do I want from this person?

5. What is my OBSTACLE?
◦ What is in the way of what I want? How do I overcome it?

6. What do I have to do to get what I want?
◦ How can I achieve my objective/ What's my behavior? What are my actions?

7. What are the STAKES?
◦ How bad do I want it? How much will I risk to get it? Will I risk my life or not even a
dollar?

My Acting 101 Classes

Luis is so gorgeous. His looks intimidate me and make me feel shallow at the same time. He barely talks, but when he smiles I get a warm feeling in my stomach. I walk around campus imagining I'm hanging out with him and we are having really intelligent conversations. I can tell him all my views on the world and he agrees with me almost 100%. In my imaginary conversations, we only disagree on minor issues and only because I know it's unrealistic for us to think completely alike. He is listed as single on FB. He must be a total player to be so hot and not in a relationship. I'm basically praying that we somehow end up in a play together, not necessarily like "Romeo and Juliet" but something that will get us to practice together and spend time. Any ideas on how to get closer with him would be appreciated. =

I have to go now... Jill is here with Alex again. Seriously, dude, get a life! It's annoying but it fills me up with hope at the same time. There seemed to be no chance for them last semester but look at them now. Kind of like Luis and me.

The Purpose of Fashion - Sex and Status

"Fashion may chatter about many things, but the conversation is mainly about sex and status. That fashion is about sex is obvious and even the designers of the fashion vanguard agree. "Men and women both, to an extent, get dressed to get laid," said British designer Katherine Hammett. "Fashion is all about mating...Think about an 18-year-old. And that energy trying on twenty different T-shirts before going out - to them it's so important... True fashion obsession is something to do with sex," said Gucci designer Tom Ford."

"Sex is only part of the fashion story. Fashions are as much product of social competition as the finest bird feathers or the sweetest bird song. They reflect people trying to outdo one another in a game of "Watch me!" and driving each other to excess. They show the restless, shifting rules of people always raising a bar between themselves and those clamoring to take their places at the top. This is what can turn fashion into a snobbish, exclusionary business. Only through an elaborate code of rules can those at the top defend their position. To be truly in the know, one needs dedication and discernment, as we as time and money. Lapses expose the arrivistes and posers. A fashion faux pas is not an aesthetic gaffe so much as a social and moral one. The code makes people care tremendously about tiny details o f cut, color, and material, and make them abandon an article of clothing once the style becomes passe, though it may be in mint condition and has cost a fortune.

A fashion that is in one season and out the next shows us what pure status effects look like. Stripped of social meaning, the garment looks worthless, even ridiculous. Competition may drive fashion to excess and ignite fashion crazes, but the pursuit of fashion is not frivolous of silly. The game may be frenzied but the players are operating rationally. They know that clothes are valuable currency in the social arena. They show that we are ahead of the pack or, at the very least, not left behind." - Survival of the Prettiest

Sweet Revenge... Kind Of

I liked JT. I thought we were a good fit. I felt comfortable with him, like we had known each other forever. I felt an urge to kiss him, to touch his skin, to hear his voice. I felt like we had a lot of potential, much more so than with Mike. However, the fact that he didn't come clear about Vienna made me lose respect for him. I'm trying to figure out if I have feelings for him or if I'm just irritated that he picked Vienna over me.

Anyway... here's a quick recap of what happened last night. We were supposed to go to the movies together at a tiny local movie theater. The sales registers are on the outside, so you wait in line in the cold and cannot even get past the front door without tickets. I texted him I was coming while I was sitting quietly in my bed. I never showed up. He called in the evening, actually called me, didn't text, and said... "Sorry, I couldn't make it today. Did you wait for me long?" Yeah, right, he would've texted me telling me that. "No, I didn't make it either." "Why not?" "I just didn't feel like going." "How come?" "What do you care? You weren't there anyway." "I was there. I waited for you in the cold like an idiot. You could've at least texted me." "I didn't like the fact that you had gotten back together with Vienna and never told me about it. I just lost interest in hanging out with you." "Why would you care about Vienna. You and I aren't even dating. We are just friends. Friends don't keep tabs on each other. You need to grow up."

He is the one lying and I'm feeling guilty for catching him and/or caring. Am I feeling guilty? What does he mean by "we are not even dating." Are we supposed to be engaged before I know if he has another girlfriend?

This reminded me of an episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker where the girl went out with some football player who supposedly really wanted a relationship but kept dating by his own words "gold-diggers." She had found out online that the "millionaire" had not been paying child support and confronted him about it. He made her feel guilty for bringing that up on the first date. He was the one not participating in the every day care for the baby and on top of it with all his millions he was not giving any money to support his own flesh and blood... and then his date was supposed to feel guilty for bringing it up? Shame on him and good for her for asking him. There should be no second date if he is that kind of father.

Lying and Cheating

I've had such a huge problem with lying, because I'd been taught my whole life to be completely honest. Now that I'm getting into the world and observing what is going on, I have to say, people lie a lot, all the time, and even good people often spare you the truth. In our culture, telling the truth at all times is considered rude. You are supposed to "modify" the truth, which is practically lying. The ability to lie must be some critical evolutionary mechanism to fit in society, because it is so wildly popular. One day when I have kids, I'll have to decide whether it's a good idea to teach them that lying is bad, because they will encounter is all the time anyway and will just be at a competitive disadvantage with all the people who were born and raised liars.

Apparently, JT is back with Vienna. I don't know when he was going to tell me. Seriously, Vienna is my friend, you thought I wasn't going to find out? What's wrong with you?

Now I want you to look at those same numbers from a different perspective. Take every rating that isn’t a 9 or 10, cross it off, and replace it with a 1. So now each of them must be a 1, 9, or 10.
You see, if you can’t rate a given area of your life a 9 or 10, then obviously you don’t have what you really want in that area. This can be especially hard to admit when you think you have a 7. A 7 looks pretty good at first glance, but the true 9s and 10s are way beyond 7s. The 10s are so far out there that you probably can’t even see them from the position of a 7.

A 7 is what you get when you allow too much falsehood and denial to creep into your life. It’s a phony rating to begin with, a 1 in disguise. Either you have what you want, or you don’t. A 6, 7, or 8 is the answer you give when you know you don’t have what you want, but you aren’t ready to face up to it yet.

I know this sounds unreasonably harsh, but based on my own experience as well as what I’ve observed in others, people commonly rate some part of their lives a 7 (or thereabouts) when they’ve disconnected themselves from the truth. A 7 is a job instead of a purpose driven career. A 7 is a comfortable living arrangement instead of a deeply fulfilling relationship. A 7 is an income that covers your basic expenses instead of providing true abundance. When you rate any part of your life as a 7, you’re really saying: “This isn’t what I want, but I’m not sure I can do better, so I’ll pretend it’s good enough. It could be worse.” However, the truth is that if you aren’t experiencing what you want, you’re already in the worst possible situation.

Madoff's Son Committed Suicide

Somehow I had missed the news about Madoff's son, Mark's suicide. He left his wife and two small kids behind. He must've been really depressed, and I wish I had known him so I could help him deal with it. I hope he is in a better place and has finally found peace.

In an ideal world, kids should inherit either both their parents' money and their parents' debts or they should inherit neither. By law, we only inherit the good, the money, and leave the bad, the debt, to the lenders to deal with. It doesn't seem fair but who am I to judge and when has life been fair? There were smarter people than me making the laws and if they believe this is good for society then so be it. You leave the sins of your ancestors in the past and move on clean.

I don't think Mark, like most rich kids, realized what an advantage it is to grow up with money. You end up in the best schools that are normally reserved for the brightest of students. You travel and see different cultures and customs, which makes you think and reconsider what you would normally take for granted. You socialize with well-connected successful people who can make a world of difference in your career and in the world we live in. You do not have to worry about malnourishment, lack of clean water, and diseases only known in poor countries. You learn manners, how to dress, how to speak like the movers and shakers of society. Being born rich is like starting a marathon from the middle while everybody else starts from the beginning or even before that. Who knows why some people are born with all the advantages and others without any of them. Maybe it's random distribution but maybe it's karma. I wish I'd had the chance to tell Mark, "If you were brought up in an environment with so much potential, use it. You father has done wrong, try to do as much good for society as you can. Committing suicide is not going to help anyone or correct the evil. You are more precious to the world alive." Rest in peace, Mark!

Why Do We Have Cravings for Certain Foods?

If you have persistent cravings for particular foods, chances are your body needs a specific mineral. Try taking it as a supplement and see if your craving goes away.

Chocolate – Magnesium – Raw cacao, rich in Magnesium; Magnesium supplements; raw nuts and seeds
Salty foods like potato chips and salted nuts – Chloride – Sprinkle sea salt on healthy foods

Candy – Chromium, Carbon, Sulfur, Tryptophan – Chromium — Chromium supplements, brewer’s yeast, apples and bananas, carbon — fresh fruit; sulfur — garlic and onion supplements; tryptophan — 5-HTP supplements, sweet potatoes, spinach

Red meat – Iron – Iron supplements, spinach

Fatty foods like pizza and french fries – Calcium – Broccoli, mustard or turnip greens, legumes, or calcium supplements

Carbonated drinks – Calcium – Broccoli, mustard or turnip greens, legumes, or calcium supplements

Perceptual Distortion in Love

My roommate is back to her crazy self. Whatever happened to the sweet and lonely girl from the end of last semester is a mystery to me. Jill is back to drinking, partying, and sleeping around and we've only been here for a couple of weeks. Apparently, she is still obsessing about Alex because she woke me up one night and said, "I had a dream you and Alex hooked up. How could you do this to me?" "You woke me up at 3:20 am to tell me about your psycho dreams? Am I supposed to apologize, because you are a nut case? " I really wasn't happy she woke me up. I've had a bit too much for such a short time of being here after Christmas break. JT and I met for lunch and he took my hand in his while we were talking. So confusing when I'm trying to figure out if Mike and I are right for each other. To make the matters more complicated, there is that really hot guy in my Theater class, Luis. He is like... too hot, hot in an intimidating kind of way, hot as in "don't touch the stove" kind of way. When I sit close to him, I feel energy between us... so weird... I wonder if he feels the same.


"Research on how people react to belief-contradicting information abounds in the psychological literature, and there are certain response patterns that tend to show up, when our beliefs are being challenged:

    * We look for flaws in the new information,
    * seek information that bolsters our original attitude,
    * garner for social validation of our original attitude,
    * begin derogating the source of the message,
    * show signs of anger and discomfort, avoid the new message altogether,
    * or simply assert our confidence in the initial belief more adamantly.

Although typical responses to belief challenging information have been shown for various groups of beliefs and for different sources of information, there is an understanding that people select from available resistance strategies based on how important the issue is to them. The closer the issue is to your heart, the more resistance you put up. It also matters how knowledgeable you are about the issue in general and how socially desirable the resistance strategy is. If you're an environmentalist and Sarah Palin provides you with information on why drilling in the Gulf of Mexico is a good idea you might choose "derogating the source" and dismiss her as an idiot (as that may be generally socially desirable among your social peer group), but if Barack Obama informs you about the benefits of offshore drilling you might opt for politely "looking for flaws in the new information."

The above listed mechanisms don't really work that well when it comes to information that is provided through scientific research. It is also not that easy to counter-argue scientific evidence or to point out a study's methodological flaws, because as laypeople really we often don't understand the methods well enough. Even if we do, more often than not, we are presented the sexed up "evidence" without the methods that produced them.

So what do people do? Lie down, roll over and accept that science has proven their stereotypes to be wrong? Unlikely, so here's how we chose to lie to ourselves:

The resistance strategy to belief-contradicting scientific evidence might just be to claim scientific impotence; the inability of science to address the area of knowledge being challenged.

In many ways scientific impotence - or rather people's strategy of claiming scientific impotence when information contradicts their world views - is the most important reason why scientific evidence often remains ineffective in changing people's understanding of the world around them. Science can tell you about the evolution of life on earth, but you don't want to hear it. And science can inform you on a whole range of moral topics, but this is also something many people don't want to hear. We are selective in what we choose to believe." - Psychology Today

The World vs. Caffeine

I've been drinking coffee sporadically for the last couple of years but lately pretty regularly. I liked saying that it improved my school performance, but I would buy it to feel like an adult. I still love walking around campus with my coffee in hand. I feel like such a busy, no time for nonsense, career woman.

I've been reading conflicting reports, though. One says a cup per day helps prevent Parkinson's disease, diabetes, and it works as a great anti-oxidant. Caffeine is also in soft drinks and diet pills so it can't be that bad. I've noticed, though, that coffee and diet coke make me hungry. Right after I drink either one, I need something sweet. Sometimes I get so hungry, I can't focus on anything else and only look for an opportunity to run to the vending machine. I did some research and apparently, caffeine makes you hypoglycemic, your blood sugar drops. That's why you have those wild sweet cravings. I don't understand why it's in all diet pills, though. Don't people get even hungrier after taking them?

Fraternity Initiation Rites - Hazing

Why do guys take pride in being able to drink a lot without getting drunk? When otherwise intelligent people start looking down on each other based on alcohol tolerance, I just have to laugh. I have a feeling it has something to do with our need for significance. Some people would just use anything, no matter how retarded it is, as an arbitrary criterion to feel superior to others. My college overall has highly intelligent guys who use their brains and think, but I've heard horror stories about other places. Why is it so important to treat others with utter disrespect and build up your ego through control and humiliation? It's scary that all the frat boys look so decent and normal and yet, I have to wonder if they were in one of those hazing-prone fraternities, would they be just as bad. Here are some stories...

"You make the pledges do a work call (or a extended period of house work, for people unfamiliar), one that starts at about 10 or midnight. So you have them clean the house, scrub the floors with toothbrushes, etc etc, everything but the bathrooms. Then you call them all together at about 5am, tell them they've done a good job, and explain to them you're buying breakfast. They'll be relieved and excited about this, they probably think you're proud of them and that the work is over, plus they are probably hungry. Get all the food ready or whatnot, show it to them, and tell them they get to eat in 30 minutes when the bathrooms are spotless. Finally, about 5 minutes before their time is up, tell them to clean faster and better, seeing as their gonna be eating their mcdonalds breakfast off the floor behind the toilet they're currently cleaning. Then you make them do it, of course."


"They bragged about one of their chapter traditions they thought was really funny in addition to being useful in disciplining the pledge class.
"Every rush we make a point of pledging one marginal guy who shouldn't be here," they said. "He's the sacrifice, the example. At some point usually around the end of the semester we'll blackball him and scare hell out of the pledges. It really shapes them up."

"Pledges strip down to their boxers and sit indian style against a wall. Then an industrial-size fan is brought in and turned on. Brothers tear up pieces of insulation and run it through the back of the fan. Fiberglass in skin. Its a story i heard....dont know if its actually true but the source was very trustworthy and that certain chapter had a "hardcore" reputation."

Here's what some people have learned while trying to deal with hazing...

*don’t be afraid to get advice
*Stick to your commitments. People will respect you. 
*Value your friends and pick them carefully.
*Trust and confide in your parents, mine were great.
*Don't get yourself into things you don't want to go through with.
*Make the best of bad situations. 
*Finally, you can survive almost anything .

Alternatives to College

In my family, education is highly encouraged. I look around, though, and I notice that many celebrities either don't have college degrees or they went to relatively unknown schools and do something completely unrelated to their majors. If you want to be an artist or an actress, you are better off just starting young and not waste time in school. I highly encourage everybody to get into the best school possible, but I feel like we barely learn any useful information in class. We learn data we are going to forget anyway and is readily available on our iphones if we need it. I wish we had more classes teaching us critical thinking and problem solving, alternative learning technologies, strategies to handle stress and work place politics. I'm sorry I have to say that, but I spent so much time reading the classics and the more I get into real life the more I realize I should've spent my time playing sports instead. At least with sports you don't learn some 18th century values but sculpt your body and learn to be competitive and persistent. Here's the article for you anyway...


"It's been nearly a year since Formula Capital's James Altucher discussed his theory on why sending your kids to college is a bad idea. The segment proved to be one of Tech Ticker's most popular...and controversial of 2010. More recently, a report based on the book Academically Adrift: Limited Learning on College Campuses found that after two years of college, 45% of students learned little to nothing. After four years, 36% of students learned almost nothing.

Meanwhile, the cost of college keeps rising -- 20 times the rate of inflation and much faster than say healthcare costs -- and student loan debt keeps growing. As of mid-2010, U.S. student loan debt totaled $850 billion vs. $828 billion for credit card debt, according to the Federal Reserve.
So with more people coming around to the idea that maybe Altucher is onto something (vs. being on something), the money manager and author is back with a follow-up: 

• -- Start a business.
• -- Work for a charity.
• -- Travel the world.
• -- Create art.
• -- Master a sport.
• -- Master a game.
• -- Write a book.
• -- Make people laugh.

"Whenever I suggest 'don't send your kids to college' a lot of very smart people invariably come back with the response, ‘well what else should they do?'," "So I figure I will help people out by coming up with a list and try to handle the criticisms that will certainly arise even before they arise. I can do this because I have a college degree. So I've learned how to think and engage in repartee with other intelligent people."
In the accompanying video, Altucher "repartees" with Henry and me about his alternatives to college and addresses the most powerful thing working on behalf of higher education: The huge gap in employment between those with and without college degrees." - yahoo.com

Budget Fashionista

My Mom and I went shopping at an outlet mall this weekend. She usually takes my siblings too but this time it was only the two of us. Before we left, I had made a booklet with outfits I liked from Gossip Girl and celebrity photos. It is so cool that the fashion this year is so feminine, I love it. I picked most of my new clothes at Neiman Marcus and Off Sachs. We never shop at these stores, even at outlet prices, because they are still expensive. My Mom buys certain pieces from there for herself but only once or twice a year. I'd always been a Gap, Nine West, H&M kind of girl. Out of everything I bought, I'm particularly in love with a 1920's looking Betsey Johnson lacy dress and black Stuart Weitzman stilettos with a tiny bow. My Mom advised me to think of whole outfits instead of just pieces that I had nothing to combine with, so I bought black stockings with ornaments on them and a party ring with a big flower on it. I've never had clothing that makes me feel so sexy and grown up. I'm afraid to get it wrinkled or dirty, because it's so special to me. I feel like my Mom has noticed I've been venturing more into the world and have become more independent, and this is her way to encourage it.

I think clothes show belonging to a group. People of different ethnicities, professions, and socio-economic classes dress differently. Also people often start to dress like the groups they want to belong to (think suits and designer clothing). I still have an issue referring to myself as a woman instead of a girl but now I have the clothes real women wear. I am a woman and proud of it.

My 2011 New Year's Resolutions

1. To stop biting my nails

2. To crash a party

3. To lose 10 lbs

4. To read a new book every month

5. To lose my virginity

6. To watch all seasons of The Apprentice

Nicole Kidman Is A Great Role Model

It's hard to believe she is in her 40's. She is so beautiful, a great actress, happily married, has two adopted kids and one of her own. She can be a great role model for women of all ages really. I realize she doesn't look like she is 25 naturally, but what does it matter. The advancement of science are there for us to enjoy and to help us make the most out of our lives.

Now the rest fortunate of us have to come up with a list of New Year's Resolutions and make sure all the important goals for 2011 are set in stone. I finished reading Steve Pavlina's book and would highly recommend the author. Read the text below and tell me it's not awesome!

"Desire is the fuel of power. One of the sweetest benefits of life as a human being is to enjoy the progressive fulfillment of your desires through the exercise of your power. This doesn't just mean celebrating your big accomplishments. It means savoring every delicious step of the journey.

What do you want? What do you fantasize about? What do you long for so badly that you can't stop thinking about it, even if you consider it impossible? Allow yourself to dream. Spend time cultivating your deepest desires, no matter how impractical or impossible they seem. It's perfectly okay to want the impossible. It's not okay to pretend that your desires don't matter.

Never deny that you want what you want. When you deny your desires, you fall out of alignment with truth, love, and power. You distance yourself from truth by lying to yourself. You distance yourself from love by disconnecting from your core. And you distance yourself from power by cutting off the fuel of desire. If you want to develop your power, you must accept your desires as they come, no matter how strange they may seem.

Most people are out of touch with their true desires. They allow others to decide what they should want, or they settle for what they think they can get. They buy into the socially conditioned nonsense that the purpose of life is to work at a meaningless job for decades, spend themselves into debt, distract themselves with mindless entertainment, get married, have children, retire broke, and then quietly die. Consequently, they live desperate shadow lives, forever powerless and unhappy. Don't succumb to the illusion of false desire.

Life is constantly asking: What do you want? You have the freedom to answer that question however you wish. Aligning yourself with truth and love will help you evaluate the possibilities, but there are no compulsory right or wrong answers. There's only your freedom to choose. Will you answer with silence, or will you exercise your power of conscious choice?

You must break through the haze of social conditioning that says your life must obey a set of rules dictated by others. You're under no such obligation. Your only real constraints are your decisions and their consequences. You're a free and independent being. How you decide to use that freedom is up to you."

Best Natural Appetite Suppressants

I want some natural appetite suppressants to feel in control of my weight. I want to be skinny and popular but don't want to become one of those girls who care so much of others' approval, they develop eating disorders to fit the ideal set by Euro designers a few decades ago. The designers were probably gay men anyway, so what did they know about beautiful female bodies? They liked women who looked like men, or more like 12-year-old boys, tall with wide shoulders and barely any body fat.

Avocado extract

Imagine looking at a candy bar or a bowl of ice cream and not wanting to eat it. Imagine feeling an absolute aversion to sugary foods. Well, according to both human- and animal-based research studies, avocado extract tablets make this dream a reality.

Avocado extract tablets have helped some people lose significant amounts of weight, even when they are not making a conscious effort to diet. These people report that, though they were not purposely dieting, they ate fewer calories than they normally would, simply because they weren't hungry. Though most people lose weight by taking two avocado extract tablets per day, the Life Extension Foundation reports that you can take more when you feel hungry, so as to eat even fewer calories daily, or limit yourself to only two tablets and eat a healthy, sensible meal.

Chá de bugre (pomngaba): Can It Really Get Rid of Cellulite?

For women worldwide, it’s the subject that nightmares are made of. We're talking about the dreaded "c word"—cellulite. Cellulite occurs when subcutaneous fat protrudes into the dermis layer of the skin, creating a "cottage-cheese- or orange-peel-like" appearance to the body. According to Wikipedia, between 85 and 98 percent of post-pubertal females have at least some cellulite, so even women who are not necessarily overweight can have "cottage cheese skin."

As many women know all too well, cellulite is extremely difficult to get rid of. Simply cutting back on calories or following a fad diet will not take away your skin's dimpled appearance, and liposuction is completely ineffective against cellulite. Though the cosmetic industry markets a myriad of "miracle cellulite cures," they too are largely ineffective. In fact, many experts agree that only following a well-balanced diet and exercising regularly can truly get rid of cellulite.

On the other hand, many Brazilians believe that the rainforest herb chá de bugre both suppresses appetite and actually rids of the body of existing cellulite, making it extremely popular at Brazil's famous beaches. "Chá de bugre products are highly commercialized as a weight loss aid in Brazil, where tea bags, fluid extracts, and tinctures of chá de bugre are commonly seen in pharmacies, stores, and even in the beach-front eateries and refreshment stands along Rio de Janeiro's beaches," Leslie Taylor explains in The Healing Power of Rainforest Herbs.

You don't have to go to Rio de Janeiro to get chá de bugre. Its popularity has extended to the internet, so you can buy it in many forms, including a tea infusion.

Chickweed

Some experts believe that the common "weed" chickweed acts as a natural appetite suppressant, according to Dr. Elson Hass' book Staying Healthy with Nutrition. It is widely available online.

Cumin

This flavorful spice not only adds a little pizzazz to any dish, it also acts as a natural appetite suppressant, according to Asian Health Secrets.

Dahlia roots

Dahlia roots contain a natural fructose polymer called inulin, which helps reduce your appetite by slowing carbohydrate metabolism. The Anti-Aging Manual recommends that you eat one serving per day, alternating between raw and cooked, or just use the juice rather than the peel.

Evening primrose oil

According to Professor Gary Null's Complete Encyclopedia of Natural Healing, if you take 500 milligrams of evening primrose oil in the morning, it may help reduce your appetite all day long.

Fennel

Fennel seeds, stalks and bulbs act as a natural appetite suppressant, according to Prescription for Nutritional Healing. Plus, they make a great garnish, giving any dish their special flavor.

Gamma-linolenic acid (GLA)

Gamma-linolenic acid is the active component of flaxseed and flaxseed oil, primrose oil and blackcurrant seed. By helping to control the metabolism of fats, GLA is a natural appetite suppressant.

German chamomile tea

Many people in Costa Rica use German chamomile tea as an appetite suppressant, but the trend hasn't caught on elsewhere yet.

Grapefruits

As many dieters around the world already know, grapefruit is the quintessential diet food. As Dr. Haas points out, grapefruits are so low in calories that the energy it takes to eat one of them most likely burns off all the citrus fruit's calories. Plus, grapefruits are a natural appetite suppressant.

Gymnema Sylvestre

Imagine what it would be like to be unable to taste sugar. Would you still want to eat that cookie, bowl of ice cream or candy bar? Several studies have confirmed that the herb Gymnema sylvestre, which remarkably reduces and even eliminates the taste of sugar for up to 90 minutes when taken before meals, significantly suppresses appetite. In India, doctors have been using it for centuries to treat diabetes, and Western physicians are beginning to recognize its ability to "tame the sweet tooth." It is widely available online in supplement form.

Hawthorn berries

In traditional Chinese medicine, hawthorn berries are believed to act as a natural appetite suppressant and also aid in the digestion and assimilation of nutrients. Many Western practitioners of alternative medicine use the herb for cardiac health and circulation, so hawthorn berries are widely available in tablet form.

Jerusalem Artichokes

Like dahlia roots, Jerusalem artichokes contain inulin, a natural fructose polymer that curbs your appetite by slowing down carbohydrate metabolism. Anti-Aging Manual author Joseph B. Marion recommends eating one serving per day, alternating between raw and cooked, or just using the juice rather than the peel.

Nuts

Fact: Not all fat leads to body fat. Many dieters avoid nuts because they're high in fat and calories, but they're actually good for you. Nuts like almonds, walnuts, pecans, filberts, macadamia nuts, and sunflower and pumpkin seeds may be high in calories, but their fat-to-carbohydrate ratio is so high that they'll naturally suppress your appetite, which will lead to you eat fewer calories overall.


Plantain (Plantago ovata)

Not to be confused with the bananas known as plantains, this so-called common "weed" suppresses appetite with a bulking action similar to fiber, but even more significantly, scientists in Italy, Russia and several other countries believe that plantain actually naturally reduces the absorption of lipids in the intestines. Plantain may also lower triglyceride and cholesterol levels, and it is available online in leaf or powdered form.

Spirulina

This potent cancer-fighter and immune-booster can help you lose weight by satisfying your appetite with nutrients rather than empty calories. In one double-blind study, 16 overweight people lost a small amount of weight after eating only 2.8 grams of spirulina three times per day for four weeks. Experts are still unsure exactly how spirulina reduces hunger. One theory is that its high content of phenylalanine affects the hypothalamus. Another theory is that spirulina raises blood sugar levels enough to cause the hypothalamus to suppress hunger pangs. Known as a "superfood," it is widely available online in tablet, powder, bar and capsule form.

Sex and The City and the real NYC

NYC is unlike any other place I've ever been to, and I say that in both positive and negative way. Glamor, wealth, fashion, elegance, ambition, and achievement vs. arrogance, crime, abuse, back stabbing, narcissism, and the rein of style over substance... that's New York City for you.

Sex and The City presents New Yorkers as rich and elegant, with plenty of free time to pursue their interests. That is rather far from reality. Many people here are overachievers with relatively high incomes but very little free time to enjoy themselves. If you are interested in work-life balance, this is not the place for you. If you like making money to show off in front of people you may not even know or care about, you will go far in this city and will fit right in.

Getting an apartment here will bring you to the tiniest and darkest of places with a high price monthly rent attached to it. You will also be tempted to hate those who've been renting for decades the so-called rent stabilized apartments and pay 1/10 of what you would be paying if you tried to rent the same place now. Apparently, not so long ago NYC was not a desirable residential option, so the government gave people incentives to move here by setting limits on how much the rent could go up every year and making it really hard for the landlord to evict you.

...and as you all know I live in a dorm. It was really close for me to live at home like in high school, but my parents were so proud of me for making it into a great college that for once were ready to indulge me. There are many rich kids around here and then, there are the rest of us trying to keep up with housing, fashion trends, and trendy places on a lower budget and often working and studying at the same time. Life would be so much easier if none of us had to ever worry about money again. :)

Alienation and a Pervasive Sense of Isolation

"Our culture teaches us to withdraw into ourselves when we are confronted with stressful situations. It is a vicious circle. One of the main stressors of modern society is alienation and a pervasive sense of isolation. The solution our culture offers us - to further withdraw - only exacerbates the problem." - Chris Lasch

This morning I woke up to find a FB friend request from Alex. I got so excited that he possibly, probably, maybe, potentially didn't look down on me for my high as a kite episode that I texted Vienna. I want to tell you the conversation word by word, but I''ll just sum it up for you... She felt guilty she wasn't there 100% for me and thought I didn't want to talk to her ever again. How about that? And I spent 4 days hiding from them... and from myself like an ostrich. We are social animals. We cannot live in isolation.

I'm looking for magazines to subscribe to. I want celebrity gossip, psychology, tech reviews, and possibly business.

High Like a Rock Star

NYE was a disaster. Not for anybody else, only for me. Fortunately, I only knew two people at the party. Unfortunately, they were Alex and Vienna. I had no idea they were friends so oh, well... surprise!  The party was at the roof of Alex's apartment building. They must've been so embarrassed by me. I don't even know if I should contact them on FB or text them. There is no way I'm calling them, but I'm open to suggestions on what to do. Here's the story and my opinion on what happened...

The reason why alcohol is more fun is because you lose the ability to differentiate right and wrong. Weed sucks! You realize everything that's going on, you know it's wrong, you know you look silly but cannot help it.

I got so high, it felt like I was going from one dimension to another. It felt like as soon as I had a thought I would move to a different reality where the thought would be playing out in front of me in slow motion. I couldn't feel parts of my body, like I would lick my lips and couldn't feel them. I was so vulnerable and scared, like a little girl lost in a mall. I was having hallucinations, visual and auditory, but not kinesthetic.  I found out that if I reached for something and couldn't touch it, I was hallucinating. The only way for me to recognize reality was through my sense of touch, and the only way to stay in the present moment was by moving my feet and feeling the ground underneath. People love smoking weed, so I don't know why it turned into such a horrible experience for me.

The noises around me were distorted. I would see people talking and hear gargling noise coming out of their mouths. I started walking just to stay in the moment and walked into a bathroom. I felt so sorry for the person looking at me from the mirror, my pale skin and smeared eyeliner made me look like a ghost. God had given me a healthy body and this is how I was showing my gratitude, by abusing it and intoxicating it? I felt so pathetic I wanted to cry but only for a moment, then the realities changed again. I was vulnerable, out of control, among people I didn't even know, in a place I had never been to. I was all by myself, alone and lonely. Where did Vienna go? I asked Vienna to hold my hand and not let go until I was home and safe. Where was she? Did anybody care for me? I tried to drink water to speed up the detox process but noticed no difference.

I walked out of the bathroom, and there was Vienna, some other people, and Alex. I grabbed Alex's hand and said, "Please, don't let go of my hand. No matter what. Take me away from these people and please, don't let go of me." After what seemed like an eternity, we were sitting on a bed. "You are fine now. You can let go of my hand." "No, please don't let go of me." He turned off the light and we crashed on the bed holding hands like children. I remember opening my eyes in a light room hearing Alex's voice but when I tried to squeeze his hand, I couldn't feel it. I was hallucinating. Then I would open my eyes and I was in a dark room with Alex sleeping next to me. I could feel his hand under mine and would feel an overwhelming sense of relief and gratitude.

Finally, I woke up in the morning and felt like myself again. Alex and I were spooning. Mr. Pretty Boy was a gentleman and a true friend, no doubt about it.